G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry

A reader on Monday mentioned the CHEERS where Sam becomes a local TV sportscaster. My partner David and I wrote that episode in knee jerk reaction to the idiotic schticks most sportscasters had. (Of course now it’s only gotten worse). So Sam felt he needed a gimmick and tried a few on the air. Here are his last two.

ANGLE – TV

SAM
I got a phone call today from a teenager saying I was taking advantage of my status as an ex-ballplayer and that “old squares” like me shouldn’t be doing the sports. Well, Corky, tonight’s commentary is directed right at you.

He picks up a ghetto blaster and pushes a button. Rap rhythm begins and San begins rapping to it.

SAM
(RAPPING) It’s time to rap
about a controversy
Gonna take a stand,
I won’t show no mercy.
A lot of folks say
Jocks shouldn’t be
A doin’ the sports news on TV.
But I don’t want
To hear the latest scores
From a bunch of old broad-
Casting school bores.
The guys on the diamonds
And the fields and courts
Know a heck of a lot more
About real sports.
So get your scores
From a guy like me
Who knows the meaning of words
Like “groin in-ju-ry.”
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin
G-g-g-groin in-ju-ry. Joanne?

She stares at Sam for a beat, then opens her mouth as if to say something, changes her mind and turns to Dr. Buzz.

JOANNE
Dr. Buzz, is there any late word on that hurricane off Galveston?

BACK TO CHEERS

Norm, Cliff and Carla have their heads on their arms on the bar.

WOODY
(TO HIMSELF) G-g-g-groin injury… catchy.

And then…in a later scene….

ANGLE ON TV SCREEN

JOANNE
Well, ready or not, here’s tonight’s “’I’ on Sports” commentary with Sam Malone.

Sam pulls up a little dummy who looks like him and is dressed exactly like him. He does ventriloquism in a high voice, pronouncing certain words differently so his lips won’t move.

SAM
And don’t forget Lil’ Sam.

LIL’ SAM
That’s nee! (SIC)

BACK TO BAR

CARLA
Oh my God.

REBECCA
If either of them mentions the bar I’m suing.

ANGLE ON TV

SAM
I think the Red Sox are making a big mistake dipping into their farm system, trading away young players for veterans who can only help them for a season or two. Don’t you agree Lil’ Sam?

LIL’ SAM
No. You’re full of hooey. If I’m taying five ducks to get into the dalltark I want to see them win. NOW!

SAM
Oh, what do you know? Your head’s wooden.

LIL’ SAM
Well, your lits are nooving.

SAM
At least I don’t have an arm up my back.

LIL’ SAM
Or a drain in your head. (LAUGHING) Yak-yak-yak.

SAM
Well, that’s two guy’s opinions.

LIL’ SAM
Joanne?

ANGLE ON JOANNE whose mouth is wide open. She’s staring, speechless.