Gentlemen, start your feet!

This Sunday is the L.A. Marathon. I’ve decided not to run it this year. It was an agonizing decision but what tipped it was I’ve never run more than a block in my life. And like most sporting events, it’s more fun to watch it on TV than be in it.

There’s a new parade route. It used to go in a big circle from downtown to almost the Westside and back. But just getting near with Westside triggered complaints of inconvenience and you don’t mess with those folks. No siree. This year the race starts near Universal City (just a bunch of tourists and valley people so who cares?) and it ends downtown. So…uh, where do runners park their cars? At the starting line or finish line? Race organizers are suggesting they take busses or the Metro. They don’t have enough to worry about actually BEING in the race? And we’re talking 20,000 of them.

In general, traffic will be unbelievably screwed up anywhere near the race route. More than 350 major intersections will be closed, along with 22 offramps along the Hollywood, Santa Monica, and Harbor Freeways. If you’re staying at the Renaissance Hotel in Hollywood and have to get to the airport on Sunday morning – leave NOW. Don’t even finish reading this post. Go! GO!!

The route goes past the Hollywood Bowl (no salute to Gershwin and firework show that morning so runners are in luck there), into Hollywood, down Vine Street past Neil Sedaka’s star, Jiffy Lube (the one preferred by Mae West), and the KFC, winding into Hancock Park (rich people without the Westside clout), then Koreatown (massage parlors offer discounts for runners. Just show your registration fee. You could finish 12,048th and still have a happy ending), downtown, and for the first time – East L.A.

The fastest marathoner on earth will need at least three hours. Jack Bauer routinely covers that route in 36 minutes.

But I have an idea to improve runners’ times. Just hold the race at night. If you’ve got to run through downtown and East Los Angeles at night, trust me, you will not dawdle. World records will be set. In fact, depending on the night, they could be sprinting right past Jack Bauer.

Good luck to everyone participating on Sunday. And I hope that getting to your car doesn’t prove to be harder than running 26.2 miles.