AMERICAN IDOL this week

Those of us who lived through the 70’s are still apologizing for the music. Especially disco. Especially Bee Gees disco. But thanks to AMERICAN IDOL and “Sweatin’ with the Oldies” they remain with us… like migraines.

Barry Gibb sounded like Sean Connery with loose dentures.

When the only “groupie” they showed in the audience was Judge Judy you knew you were in for a creaky evening. Although Simon probably loved it. Finally! Some REAL music! What’s next week? Music of the Cowsills?

The four contestants had quite a challenge. It’s hard to be great when the songs aren’t.

Melinda slogged through “Love You Inside Out”. She could have used better lyrics and the Solid Gold Dancers.

And let’s just say it, okay? Blake Lewis is a one-trick pony. The beat boxing, the robot moves. It’s as if Pee Wee Herman decided to become a rock star.

After singing “Staying Alive”, LaKisha may not. As usual she ignored her mentor’s suggestions, although in this case she probably couldn’t understand him. “yousssssshh sssssssshhhould deffffffffinnnnllllleelllleeeeeeeee shhhhhinnnnggggg falssssshetttttttterrrrrrrr.”

Great to see Haley Scarnato in the audience. Oh, what she could have done with a hand held microphone and “How Deep Is Your Love” !

How come they kept cutting off Simon while letting Paula (who looked like a raccoon) utter random sounds in her eternal quest to formulate one cogent thought? But hang in there, Paula. You give a monkey a typewriter and eventually he’ll type a word.

Bee Gees songs the contestants could have used included: “New York Mining Disaster 1941”(a disco classic), “Jumbo” (I’ll refrain from the obvious), “Don’t Forget to Remember”, and their ode to rough sex, “Fanny Be Tender With My Love”. So many great hits and yet Blake chooses an obscure song.

When he sang “This is Where I Came In” was I the only one thinking, “No, this is where you go out”? On Thursday morning Blake fans may be wearing black argyle sweaters in mourning.

Jordin Sparks (the girl with the big voice and Teri Hatcher face) gave the best performance of the night with “To Love Somebody”. Unlike the three others, she didn’t fall into the disco trap. As for her second song, there’s a reason no one does cover versions of Barbra Streisand tunes. Just because she’s the size of Barbra doesn’t mean she can sing like her. No one can. Well, maybe Linda Eder.

Here in LA there was a huge brush fire roaring in Griffith Park, even threatening the famed Observatory. Every local station was cutting away for bulletins…EXCEPT Fox. God forbid we missed Ryan’s sparkling exchange with Judge Judy or didn’t get the latest poop on the song writing contest.

LaKisha hit a real clunker note at the end of “Run to Me”. She did not look happy. I just imagine her walking off the stage muttering, “Goddamn motherfuckin’ Bee Gees songs. How the fuck can anybody sing those Goddamn motherfuckin’ jive ass lily white bullshit vanilla Bee Gee songs?”

All in all it was a pretty lackluster show. Tomorrow we’re going to learn that LaKisha or Blake go home and Barry Gibb admits he put in his brother’s teeth by mistake.