Summer Movies Preview: Part One

The summer is here… according to Hollywood. So here is your Summer Movies Preview ’07. Over 60 block and not-so-blockbusters featured during the next few days.

SPIDERMAN 3 – Word is not as good as the first two (better known as the “Godfather Phenomenon”). Producers were smart not to change locales and have Spiderman battle his foes in Phoenix.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3 – I’m still so confused by what happened in PIRATES 2. I just hope Keira Knightley ate more than one celery stalk the entire shoot.

LUCKY YOU – Drew Barrymore “high stakes poker” movie. Been on the shelf for two years – always a good sign. Hollywood’s attempt to ride a zeitgeist that is now over. But at least they’re releasing it. Not so with 1975’s “Backgammon is for Lovers” starring Sally Struthers.

GEORGIA RULE – Once fine actress Jane Fonda now plays over-the-top goofy matriarchs (the Ghost of Signorney Weaver Future). Pair her with Lindsay Lohan (the Ghost of Paris Hilton Past), and thunderously unfunny Dermot Mulroney and you have the summer’s first nail in the coffin of romantic comedies. There's not one single man who will go see this movie unless dragged to the theater.

PARIS, JE T’AIME – LOVE ACTUALLY meets AMELIE meet GRINDHOUSE. 83 different sequences from 18 segments by different directors. Confused yet? And you have to read to understand what they’re saying.

WAITRESS – Supposed to be great. The Sundance darling. Keri Russell in this indie comedy with a tragic backstory. The writer/director, Adrienne Shelly was murdered shortly after completing this film. I hope it’s the hit of the summer.

BUG – Ashley Judd in terror for the three billionth time. This time it’s bugs in a motel room. Get her already!!

EVEN MONEY – Kim Basinger. CGI required to make her appear even slightly tolerable.

THE EX – Zach Braff and Jason Bateman in a black comedy described as a cross between ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and SCRUBS. Also stars Amanda Peet so it’s a cross between those two TV shows and STUDIO 60.

THE WENDELL BAKER STORY – Written and directed by Luke Wilson. Satisfies the studios need for the obligatory “Ex-con saves a retirement community” comedy.

28 WEEKS LATER – sequel to 28 DAYS LATER. Plans underway for 28 YEARS LATER. Tentative release date: June 4, 2035, a week before SHREK 38.

DELTA FARCE – Larry the Cable Guy joins the Iraq War. Yes, someone actually greenlit this.

SEVERANCE – DELIVERANCE at a corporate retreat in the mountains. Young cocky executives stalked and chopped up. My guess is you’ll be rooting for the stalker.

BROOKLYN RULES – Alec Baldwin as a notorious mobster leaving rude uncalled-for phone messages to mob rivals.

A MIGHTY HEART – Angelina Jolie in a drama that could restore her to fine actress and not just home wrecker.

OCEANS THIRTEEN – Major Hollywood stars having great fun while the audience has none. Ellen Barkin is in this one. After her huge divorce settlement maybe OCEANS FOURTEEN should be the story of robbing her.

LIVING FREE OR DIE HARD – And the endless sequels continue. Bruce Willis thwarts terrorists at the Motion Picture Country Home.

RATATOUILLE – Pixar and the writer/director of THE INCREDIBLES, Brad Bird. I will be first in line.

SHREK 3 – Substitute “Rocky” for “Shrek”. Or "Police Academy". Or "Big Mama's House".

YOU KILL ME – Ben Kingsley as a hitman with an alcohol problem. I’d hate to be the bartender who has to tell him he’s had enough. Directed by John Dahl, a very talented and underrated director. Could be very promising. Also features Tea Leoni still trying to desperately salvage her career after SPANGLISH.

Tomorrow: Part two... including THE SIMPSONS MOVIE, HARRY POTTER, and THE REAL DIRT ON FARMER JOHN.