The Simple Life goes to camp

It’s now day three of Paris Hilton’s incarceration. She turned herself in after attending the MTV awards. How bad were the afterparties when jail was the preferred alternative? Like me, I hope you all have yellow ribbons tied to the old oak trees that must be in front of all your homes and apartments.

I wonder how this will compare to “camp”.

In case you haven’t seen it, there’s a new season of THE SIMPLE LIFE on the E! network. And if the premiere is any indication, it should be the best season ever. Since they’re now on episode two, if you missed the lid lifter, let me get you caught up.

First off, Paris and Nicole Richie finally kissed and made up. They met for lunch at a restaurant. It was like…so…weird. Paris brought a peace offering – a pair of sunglasses that made Nicole look like Spiderman. She was touched and really liked them. Paris said, “I know. I have such good taste.” Meanwhile, I kept waiting to see if Nicole was actually going to take a bite.

So with hatchets firmly buried, the stage was set for a new edition of THE SIMPLE LIFE.

This time they’re off to be “camp counselors”. The jolly camp director welcomed them and introduced two male counselors, both good looking guys. Awkward introductions then Paris put the lads at ease by asking, “Do you both have boners?” I swear, I’m not making this up.

Of course there was the obligatory scene of them being repulsed by the conditions, the skuzzy mattresses, lack of privacy, etc. I’m guessing the same scenario played out in jail Sunday night except Paris’ roommate wasn’t named Nicole, she was named Spike.

Then an old school bus pulled in depositing seven morbidly obese “campers”, no one under 350 pounds. This was a fat camp. Nicole Richie in a fat camp. You think I’m making this up but I’m not.

The surprises continue. The head of the program appears – Susan Powter. Remember her? The scary chick with the blond buzz cut who was on every informercial in the 90’s. The Tasmanian Devil of Diet. Now her hair is longer, her face is scarier, and her voice is deeper – approaching Darth Vader country. But she still has that gung ho energy that made me so nervous I wanted to eat an entire pie.

The campers have to dump all of the junk food they packed into a crate. From suitcases and duffel bags come enough cookies, chips, candy, soda, cheese whiz, and Twinkies to stock a large 7/11 or a small Costco. Susan puts the crate in a refrigerator, wraps a thick chain around it, padlocks it, and holds onto the key. Do you want to be the one to take it from her? Not me.

Nicole has a deep heart-to-heart with the campers, explaining that she doesn’t have an eating disorder. Three campers eye her hungrily. I fear for Nicole’s life by episode five.

Now comes Paris & Nicole’s first task. They have to help give the campers enemas. I SWEAR I’m not making this up! I’m not!

The campers lie on their sides and the girls have to lube and insert the tubes up uh, you-know-where. Never losing her sense of humor, Nicole is asked by one camper how big the tube is to which she replies, “the same size as your boyfriend.” We see the reaction of the campers during the application (“WHOOAAAAAAA!) and then follow them to an outhouse with walls that come up to their shoulders. A few of the campers are having trouble doing their er, business and Paris is there to encourage them, saying things like, “plop plop”. One of the guys seemed so thankful.

Reality television has officially hit an all-time low.

That night the campers were all given astronaut portions of healthy food for dinner and Susan Powter turned in, probably to hike in the dark and wrestle a coyote. The campers longed for their junk food. And responsible counselors that Nicole & Paris are, they decided to break into the refrigerator. But it wasn’t easy. It was out in a shed with that pesky padlock. Always resourceful, Paris came up with a plan. They stole the camp director’s truck, and tied the end of the chain to the trailer hitch. The thought here was to drive off and the chain would snap. Brilliant! Except…

The chain didn’t snap. The truck ripped the fridge out of the shed and dragged it bouncing and banging around the campgrounds. Whatever Fritos were inside now had to be dust. Sure enough, they made too much noise. The camp director busted them, threatening to call the police if they ever touched his truck again. Ultimately, is that what Paris is in for? She tried again to break into a refrigerator filled with Ding Dongs?

Okay, you’re now up to date. THE SIMPLE LIFE is probably on seventeen times every day. Grab a snack, and pull up a chair. It’ll help get you through those long days until Paris is free again.