Scott Baio is 45 and single

Does ANYBODY give a shit? Including him?

This is the subject of yet another tiresome reality show as poor Scott Baio wonders why everyone doesn’t love Chachi.

Maybe because….

As a serious actor he’s the poor man’s Tony Danza. For 45 years he’s been the luckiest man on the planet. He’s fucked a gazillion hot women. He’s fucked over a gazillion hot women. He has money. He has independence.

But now middle age is setting in. The boyish looks are starting to fade. It used to be that banging Liza Minelli was a lark. Now she’s the ghoulish ghost of Baio future.

One day he wakes up and realizes his life is empty and he has commitment issues. He is racked with pain and confusion. This is not a problem he can solve himself. He needs highly qualified professional help. So he does the only rational thing a marginal celebrity can do – he sets up a reality show.

He hires a hot looking life coach (who I assume he’ll be banging by the final episode) and goes on a soul-searching journey to discover why he is screwed up. I bet this licensed life coach has an agent, manager, and PR person.

We meet his posse. Yes, even with no career anymore Scott Baio still has an entourage. So you can imagine THEIR self esteem.

We find that he loathes his fans. Spending twenty minutes in an autograph session is worse than what they do to Elisha Cuthbert in CAPTIVITY.

By now you so hate this guy that the instrument has not been devised that can measure your indifference to his problem.

He’s told he has to break up with his girlfriend for two months and remain celibate. So he plans an intimate dinner to break the bad news. Just the two of them and a full camera crew. It’s a scene that would bring a tear to a glass eye.

He seeks out old girlfriends to discover what went wrong. I guess his life coach saw HIGH FIDELITY. It seems he cheated on all these women. This stuns him. Why? He didn’t remember doing any of this? Or was he just shocked that they KNEW? In any event, he’s now reeling. Oh, the trauma of losing these women he hasn’t thought about in twenty years.

He meets up with Erin Moran. I let out an audible gasp. She now looks 65. “Joannie” lets him have it. He’s a narcissist. Stop! Stop! Too many revelations in one day!

She tells him he has a small penis. Ouch! I imagine Donny Most watching this and falling off his chair laughing. Scott seeks an objective opinion – his entourage. They’re aghast she could think such a thing. Of course, even if his penis is small it still has to be a kielbasa compared to theirs.

The series is more pathetic than fun. The show should be called SCOTT BAIO IS 45 AND HAS MADE-UP PROBLEMS. My guess is the life coach will not be successful in getting Scott to commit to marriage. But she may get him to agree to be her partner on the next AMAZING RACE.