Fall Movies Preview Part One

Time for this year’s Fall Movie Preview. After a summer of threequels, CGI storytelling, family fare/torture porn it’s time to move into the season of human drama, complex themes, and character studies – in other words, Oscar hopefuls.

THE KINGDOM – Jaimie Foxx in a high-voltage political thriller set in Saudi Arabia. It cost $70 million, the same as STARDUST. But instead of cute unicorns frolicking they gun down jihadists.

RUN, FATBOY, RUN – A guy who’s not really fat enters a marathon. Does he even really run? Title should be WALK FAST, BEER BELLY, WALK FAST.

LEATHERHEADS – George Clooney stars, co-writes, and directs this romantic comedy about pro football in the 20s. Should hold football fans until Michael Vick stars in LONGEST YARD 2.

3:10 TO YUMA – Either a western or the American Eagle flight you don’t want to be on.

THE JANE AUSTEN BOOK CLUB – Jane Austen movies are becoming their own genre. Next summer expect Mike Myers to star in JANE AUSTEN POWERS.

TRADE – Human sex trafficking in Mexico City. Fortunately not directed by the Farrelly Brothers.

KING OF CALIFORNIA – Michael Douglas as a crazy person who believes there’s gold buried under the local Costco. Shovels are on aisle 23 and jackhammers are on aisle 16.

THE GAME PLAN – “The Rock” in the 2,864th version of "big tough guy saddled with a cute child and becomes a caring person." I bet there are diaper jokes.

SHOOT ‘EM UP – Enigmatic gunslinger who happens upon a newborn baby. The 2,865th version of previous movie. But stars Clive Owens and Paul Giamatti, which is a big improvement over “the Rock”.

BEOWULF – Robert Zemeckis throwing every CGI/stop action movie trick at the book you slogged through in high school. Good buzz. Supposed to be thrilling. It’s the oldest story in the English language. Just a week older than “tough guy gets stuck with tiny child and becomes a better person”.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE MOON – Documentary on the men who walked on the moon. Interviews with Buzz Aldrin before his recent face lift. Oh how he misses those days of zero gravity!

LUST, CAUTION – (pictured above) I worry about any film with “Caution” right there in the title. Ang Lee returns after BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN with more standard fare: A Chinese language WWII espionage love story set in Shanghai. Starring Joan Chen, not to be confused with Julie Chen of CBS News.

THE HUNTING PARTY – A broad comedy starring the Charlie Chaplin of our generation -- Richard Gere.

EASTERN PROMISES – David Cronenberg’s scary Russian mobster movie. Stars Vigro Mortensen as Boris and Naomi Watts as Natasha.

THE BROTHERS SOLOMON – Exploring the untouched arena of childbirth comedies. The trailer looks absolutely ghastly.

SYDNEY WHITE – Amanda Bynes in a college fairy tale. Features Dopey, Cokey, Roofy, Cheney, Bong, Animal, and Ryan Seacrest.

ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE – Sequel to ELIZABETH. She’s back and this time she’s pissed!!

HEARTBREAK KID – Farrelly Brothers remake of the 1972 film, obliterating it, removing any nuance, satire, and substance. I refuse to see it.

THE DARJEELING LIMITED – The title says it all.

DECEMBER BOYS – Daniel Radcliffe gets laid for the first time in Australia. In the sequel he will go up on his girlfriend.

GONE BABY GONE – No, not the sequel to RUN, FATBOY, RUN. A Dennis Lehane novel given the “Affleck touch”. Written and directed by Ben, starring Casey. Hopefully it's not PROJECT GREENLIGHT featuring its creator.

SAW IV – This time Jigsaw takes a job as a Benihana chef.

More tomorrow including a romantic comedy set during the Black Plague. I know what you're thinking, "Shit! There goes my spec script!"