From my dusty archives...

I wish there was a cable channel that showed FORGOTTEN TELEVISION. Just because a series didn’t have 200 episodes doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrific. Many of these forgotten gems deserve an audience. One such series that my partner and I worked on was THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, an ABC sitcom from the 76-77 season. In it, Tony played a judge (Walter Franklin). One of the episodes we wrote is still one of my favorites. In it, Walter runs for superior court judge. In this scene he goes on a talk radio show. The announcer was played by David Ogden Stiers and this appearance helped get him cast the following season on MASH. Tony’s law clerk (Mario Lanza) was played by the hilarious Zane Lasky. Picture a young Dustin Hoffman only weaselier.

INT. RADIO STATION – NIGHT

WALTER IS SITTING AT THE CONSOLE WITH THE HOST, CLEAVER.

CLEAVER
(IN A FAIRLY HIGH VOICE) The news will be over in fifteen seconds, and then we’ll take our cue. Speak directly into the microphone. Don’t be nervous.

CLEAVER TAKES HIS CUE AND TURNS ON THE MIKE. SUDDENLY HIS VOICE DROPS FIFTY OCTAVES. IT REMAINS THAT WAY FOR THE COURSE OF THE SCENE.

CLEAVER
Good evening and welcome to W-L-N-I’s “Philadelphia Forum.” I’m your moderator, Robert W. Cleaver, and tonight my guest is Judge Walter…Frankel, uh, Franklin. I’m sorry.

WALTER
It’s all right.

CLEAVER
Judge Franklin has taken on the near impossible task of challenging the beloved Samuel Barnett for Superior Court Judge. Before I bring on our guest, out phone number is 520-2467. Judge, it’s nice to have you with us.

WALTER
Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here. (READING FROM HIS SPEECH) Now, unlike my opponent…

CLEAVER
It’s a pleasure to have you here.

WALTER
Thank you…it’s nice to be here. Now, if I could just read this prepared statement… “Unlike my opponent…”

CLEAVER
Judge, excuse me, but it’s our policy not to allow prepared statements. We’d prefer that you just answer questions from our listeners.

WALTER
Fine.

CLEAVER
Our switchboard should be lighting up any minute. That number again: 520-2467.

THEY WAIT NOW FOR CALLS. THERE ARE NONE.

WALTER
I’m prepared to face the issues.

A BEAT.

CLEAVER
I’m sure you are.

A BEAT.

WALTER
There’s a lot to talk about.

A BEAT.

CLEAVER
The lines are wide open. 520-2467. C’mon, folks.

A BEAT.

WALTER
Rarin’ to go.

A BEAT

CLEAVER
He’s rarin’ to go.

A BEAT.

WALTER
520-2467.

A BEAT.

CLEAVER
He’s rarin’ to go.

A BEAT.

WALTER
Do you have any questions for me?

CLEAVER
No, not really.

A BEAT. CLEAVER PICKS UP AN INDEX CARD.

CLEAVER
Well, I do have one.

WALTER
Fire away.

CLEAVER
Judge, do you like Jewish food?

WALTER
Well…uh, yes. I like Jewish food. But that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy foods of other lands. But Jewish food is very tasty.

CLEAVER
(READING THE CARD) Then you’ll want to join Super Chef Roger O’Malley as he prepares Kishka tomorrow at ten here on W-L-N-I.

WALTER
I’ll be listening. I love Kishka.

THE BOARD LIGHTS UP.

CLEAVER
(EXCITED) We have calls!

WALTER
Thank God.

CLEAVER
(PUSHING BUTTON) Line one, you’re on the air.

CALLER #ONE (V.O.)
(THROUGH A SPEAKER) Hello. I’d like to know what your guest thought of “A Star is Born.”

CLEAVER
Lady, the movie critic was on last night… liked him, hated her.

CALLER #ONE (V.O.)
Yeah, but I…

CLEAVER
(PUSHES BUTTON) Line two, hello.

CALLER #TWO (V.O.)
(DEPRESSED) I’m not sure my life is worth living. My wife has left me, I’ve lost my job, and I think I’m going to throw myself off the Delaware Bridge.

CLEAVER
I’m sorry, our topic is the judges’ race. (HE CUTS THE CALL OFF)

WALTER
(CONCERNED) Listen, to that man who’s going to jump. Life is worth living.

CLEAVER
The judge’s opinion is not necessarily that of this station. (PUSHING BUTTON) Line three, you’re on.

MARIO (V.O.)
I have a question for your esteemed guest, one of the finest legal minds ever to walk the streets of Philadelphia.

WALTER
(EXASPERATED) What is it, Mario?

MARIO (V.O.)
Which was a bigger thrill for you – winning the Congressional Medal of Honor or the Nobel Peace Prize?

WALTER
(AGGRAVATED) I didn’t win either one of them. (BEAT) Ask a responsible question!

MARIO (V.O.)
Okay. What’s kishka?

CLEAVER
Tune in tomorrow and find out. Right now let’s pause for this brief commercial message. (FLIPS OFF MIKE, THEN TO WALTER IN HIS NORMAL HIGH VOICE) I think it’s really going well, don’t you?

WALTER REACTS.

Postscript: Caller #1 was played by Raechel Donahue, a long-time LA disc jockey and pioneer in FM rock radio, and Caller #2 was some guy named Harry Shearer.