Tell Me You Love Me

ATTENTION MEMBERS OF THE CHEAP THRILLS CLUB!!!

There is a new must-see show on HBO called TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.

The Cheap Thrills Club, of course, is all of us men who are happy in our relationships yet enjoy the occasional late night cable adult fare and other forms of acceptable behavior like ogling women who wouldn’t go to bed with us even if we were single, younger, and had Steve Jobs’ money. It’s a pathetic club but the newsletters are informative and we give twelve dollar a year to charity.

If you watch REAL SEX on HBO and actually sit through those horrible flabby hippie couples learning intimacy segments or the feature on Tupperware sex toys you are a member of the Cheap Thrills Club. If you signed up for SHOWTIME specifically to get CALIFORNICATION you’re not just in the club, you’re eligible for an intervention.

Club staples are CINEMAX AFTER DARK, that Nevada brothel show on HBO, the SI swimsuit issue, and Soledad O’Brien on CNN.

And now comes TELL ME YOU LOVE YOU. No spoiler alert necessary because (a) nothing happens, and (b) what do you care anyway?

This show is getting big hype and it’s not because audiences are clamoring to see dreary relationships and marriages that are in big trouble. They have that at home. No, folks are tuning in for the sex.

And it was good sex. Not enough of course. There are scenes where people are talking – blah blah they’re not happy – blah blah they have issues. Don’t need ‘em. The way you really learn about people, who they are, and what they believe in is to watch them masturbate. Therapy session scenes are boring and sketchy. We don’t want a character “telling” us her problems, we want to discover them ourselves watching her receive the most realistic simulated sex ever on cable. If we can freeze frame the picture and say, “Doesn’t that look like the space craft and lunar module have actually docked?” then we as an audience can get a deeper understanding into the true nature and uniqueness of her character.

However, there were some things about the show I must say did take me out of the moment. Watching Sonya Walger get laid I kept thinking, “Oh no! That’s Penny from LOST! How could she do that to Desmond?” And, “Who cares if she gets pregnant? Is she behind that new group of invaders to the island?”

Also distracting: Sonya’s gynecologist had an examining room with a view. Seems to me a lot of men in the high rise across the way would be spending a good part of the work day peering through binoculars.

But I’ll be back next week. The Cheap Thrills Club might even hold weekly meetings to coincide with airings. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME has everything its sad membership could want – hot sex, super attractive people unhappy and disillusioned (boo hoo, Calvin Klein models), and decent lighting. Now if they could just get Soledad O’Brien to guest as a former nun who is horny and longing to catch up on all the time she’s missed.

Tomorrow: Our assistant Lana shares her version of working with us.