More movies the Farrelly Brothers can destroy

I can’t tell you how thrilled I was that THE HEARTBREAK KID tanked at the boxoffice. Talk about a remake that never should have been remade. The original 1972 version starring Charles Grodin, written by Neil Simon, and directed by Elaine May was a comic masterpiece. But in the hands of the Farrelly Brothers, all nuance, social commentary, elegance, and ethnicity was thrown out in favor of their special brand of gross out, low road, scatter shot humor.

I can imagine the other remakes the Farrelly Brothers have in development.

GUNGA DIN – Ben Stiller stars as Gunga Din, no longer a regimental bhisti, now a retard. He blows the horn to alert the soldiers of danger but since his mouth is full of old socks (the audience should scream at that gag) he has to blow the horn out of his ass. A HUGE improvement over George Steven’s little B-movie.

CITIZEN KANE – Ben Stiller in a fat suit stars as Michael Jackson Cane, a newspaper tycoon who builds Hearst Castle for all the paper boys who deliver the morning edition. When Stiller farts in the pool it causes a tsunami. Destined to be the version film historians will remember.

THE MIRACLE WORKER – Ben Stiller as Helen Keller, who now must save her home when the sewer backs up filling it with three feet of excrement. HILARIOUS scene where she mistakes floating turds for various household items or food products. Academy Award time for sure!

ERIN BROCKOVICH -- Ben Stiller in drag stars as Erin. In taking only slight liberties with this true life story, Erin drinks the toxic water herself and grows a penis. And every time she gets mad it becomes erect. The courtroom scene where she pokes the court reporter’s eye out is pure comic gold.

And finally…

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN – Ben Stiller, on vacation at a beach at Normandy is in for a shock when the D-Day Invasion hits. His pratfalls over dead bodies, and ducking just in time for bullets to hit unsuspecting soldiers will cause such laugher you won’t hear his funny rant on French hospitality.

Rent the original HEARTBREAK KID. You’ll be glad you did.