The ArcLight & Landmark theaters: Cinephile paradise or giant ripoff?

Don’t know about where you live but here in El-Lay we now have state-of-the-art movie complexes. Reserved seating, plush leather seats, designer concessions, all kinds of amenities to make you forget you’re paying more than top dollar to see LIONS FOR LAMBS. Giant screens, stereo sound, THX. Everything a theatergoer could possibly want other than a rewrite. And before and after the film there are cafes, bars, a gift shop (LIONS FOR LAMBS action figures?), and even concierges. (“Excuse me, could you tell where I might rent a car during the show?”)

You’re not going to a movie, you’re having a complete “cinematic experience”.

The first one of these multi-screen modern movie palaces locally was the ArcLight in Hollywood. I’ve only been there once but it was quite lovely. Parking was confusing and expensive and getting to Hollywood is always an ordeal (and all the while you’re thinking to yourself “I must be passing six other theaters showing the same damn movie”) but the ArcLight doesn’t show commercials so it’s almost worth it.

However they do charge a pretty penny. From what I understand, beginning in December tickets will be $16. That’s right. One-six. For movies that will be on American Airlines in two months.

Slightly less expensive is the new challenger, the Landmark on the Westside. My wife and I went to see BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD there this weekend and this was our experience.

Free parking in a well-lit structure underneath. So far so good.

Buying tickets is like checking into the Bellagio. A long counter manned by three high school honor students. And a long snaking line that moves like molasses because each person takes five minutes to process. You have to select your movie, the time, pick out your seat from the seating chart. If there’s an older couple that’s an hour right there. (“What about here?” “No, too close.” “What about here?” “Feh!” “Can we just go in and decide and then come back?”)

And then the credit card transaction, and God forbid someone has a pass and needs to fill out a form. Next time I order online, even if that takes ten minutes and by mistake I’ve rented a condo in Hilton Head.

Matinee tickets: $11. Not terrible when you consider how much money we drop at Starbucks.

There are many cheery ushers, ticket takers, and concession clerks in smart uniforms. It’s like the UP WITH PEOPLE group all got daytime jobs. The candy counter features tony yogurt, mushroom on wheat pizzas, kosher hot dogs, Japanese biscuit sticks, Australian chocolate biscuits, pretzel sticks with choice of raspberry wasabi, apricot ginger, or champagne garlic gourmet mustard. I had popcorn and a drink. $9.

There’s mood lighting in the restroom – why, I don’t know. Do randy couples slip out of movies and scamper to the bathrooms to join the “Ten Feet Above Sea Level Club”?

Skipped the bar and lounge, which seemed more suited to LAX than a multiplex.

Most of the theaters have stadium seating. You better sit in one of the top rows because the lower rows are underneath the screen. From the first row you can almost kick the screen. They’d have to sell Japanese biscuits laced with marijuana for me to sit in one of those seats.

And then there are the “living room seating” theaters. Leather loveseats instead of chairs. Lucky us, we had drawn one of those. But they’re not just loveseats for two. There are also loveseats for three. That’s what we got assigned to. Debby, and me…and some fat guy. We complained to our usher, (Kenneth from 30 ROCK) and after much hand wringing he moved us to a couch for two.

Kenneth told us the idea for this living room arrangement was (a) to cater to the young date night crowd (who goes out on dates of three?) and (b) to simulate your living room experience. This I don’t get. Why would I want to pay big bucks to approximate sitting in my own house watching a DVD I can rent for pennies? And I never have to move over to give the fat guy room.

The previews began and you couldn’t hear them. Someone complained and the volume was raised to the threshold of pain. After the previews the lights went down, the feature began, two seconds later the lights went back on and you could hardly see the screen. And to make matters worse, it was a sex scene. A naked Marissa Tomei and I couldn’t see shit! Movie night at camp had more reliable equipment than this! The screen went blank. The lights went down, the picture came back, the sound was too low and had to be adjusted, and finally, after Marissa had put her top back on, we were able to watch the movie.

I live in a town of luxury boxes, stadium clubs, VIP sections, exclusive clubs. Everyone has to be special, privileged, “on the list”. And they’re willing to way overpay to get it. I go to a movie theater to see a movie, not to hoist a few, not to Christmas shop, not to sample the great biscuits of the world.

I can’t imagine a movie coming out that I would be willing to spend $16 to see. Unless Marissa Tomei was in the loveseat with me. Of course, my wife would want to be there too. Hey, maybe couches for three isn’t such a bad idea.