My favorite euphemism for breasts

“Cut the casual profanity in half”. That’s the memo we received every week for every script for MASH. Network television may change but Standards & Practices have always been there, are there today, and will be there long after Global Warming has destroyed every living thing on this planet other than AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

Thanks to a very vocal group of insane zealots, the major networks are obliged to broadcast only material deemed “acceptable” to the public. Of course what is acceptable and by whose standards? What is “looking out for the public’s best interests” and what is censorship? And what about changing times and mores?

It would be easy to portray the Standards & Practices people as villains but the truth is, they’re caught between a rock and a hard place too. Where do you draw the line when the line keeps shifting?

So it becomes a bullshit game producers and S & P people have to play. Every week when we’d receive the “cut the casual profanity in half” memo (casual profanity being hells and damns) we would comply. Then we would add twice as many to next week’s script so we could keep the ones we wanted.

We once tried to slip something by. Radar was showing a visiting general to the VIP tent and we had him saying, “Right this way your VIPness.” The CBS censors flagged us. It was a big deal and we caught hell (actually we caught hell hell but I cut the casual profanity in half) Now on TWO AND A HALF MEN Charlie Sheen can’t go four speeches without saying penis.

Remember the ruckus when NYPD BLUE showed partial nudity? Major arguments occurred over just how much of Dennis Franz’s ass they could show (I was on the side of “none”). The Janet Jackson wardrobe “malfunction” resulted in a naked breast being shown on CBS for five seconds during the Superbowl and it caused a national uprising. And yet, recently, I saw a CSI where they were performing an autopsy on a beautiful young woman and she was completely naked. Her bare breasts were clearly visible for three minutes (and even dead they were spectacular). That was okay. So do you criticize the S&P guy for letting that go through or applaud him?

Years ago CBS had lists of euphemisms for unmentionable body parts and I had the S&P person read off the list over the speaker-phone while my writing staff rolled on the floor in silent laughter. Okay, it’s one thing to call breasts “boobs” or “jugs” or “cans”. I’ve heard of those. But “sweater meat”??? Which hood was CBS getting their street slang from? Sweater meat??? That's my favorite euphemism.

Like I said, this is a network issue that is not going to go away. And it’s the zealots more than the networks that are causing it.

But I’ll leave you with this – my favorite S&P story. Way back in the 70s on MAUDE the censor had a big problem with a certain joke. The producer fought him until Mr. S&P finally said, “Okay, let’s compromise. You can do the joke on the 8:00 taping but if it gets a laugh it has to come out.”

How the fudge do you argue with that??

A number of commenters say there is now too much profanity and sex related fare on TV and there should be more family oriented programs.   I don't disagree.  I just think there's room for both.   And if you want to go for family fare, there's a huge audience out there for it.   Just ask the Disney Channel.