Olympic Ice Dancing

I can’t believe I sat through thirty hours of Olympic ice dancing. (Well, actually two hours of actual performances and 28 watching the Americans rehearse backstage.) I’d be in awe of all these couples if the NBC analyst, Tracy Wilson didn’t point out that their Twizzles were lacking, or the audience wasn’t drawn in by their storytelling, or the Indian dirge they were dancing to lacked whimsy. She generally offered commentary during routines only to criticize something. What we thought were dazzling spins? Nah, those aren't hard. Really? They are to ME.

At least four or five times she would pick apart a couple’s performance only to have the judges give them a sensationally high score. At least Simon Cowell likes the hot blonds.

This is my judging criteria:

They didn’t fall. Give them a 10.

They didn’t crash into the walls. Give them a 10.

He swung her over his head and didn’t get sliced to death by her skates. Another 10.

They didn’t dance to a Celine Dion song. Give them a 10.

It’s okay by me if there are multiple Gold Medal winners. And hey, it’s not like there’s any suspense. If you live on the west coast you know the results before the show starts. Thank you, NBC.

The U.S. papers today are all crying that Davis & White got jobbed. I dunno. Virtue & Moir were pretty damn good, even if they were the hometown favorites.

As for the choreography, my daughter Annie yelled out a good suggestion to the screen. “More flippy things!”

Tom Hammond did a solid job of calling the event and Tracy Wilson is lucky she wasn't assigned to hockey. She’d never make it to her car after the game.

By the way, with all the numbers and scores and times you see flashed on the screen, there’s one number you should know: 100,000. That’s the number of condoms that have been distributed to the Olympic athletes, coaches, and trainers. Each one receives about 14. And officials are hoping those will suffice. 70,000 were issued in the Sydney summer games and they found they weren't enough. Yikes! Screw the games! The real athletics are in the Olympic village!

Meanwhile, the Channel 4 local news in Los Angeles broke in with the big stories they were covering at 11: What skaters made the best fashion statement? And an interview with “Vicki”, a real housewife from Orange County. This is NEWS????

I’ll be reviewing AMERICAN IDOL late tonight. Yes, I’m missing more figure skating but I’ll also be missing more “Phantom of the Opera” music. And Tracy Wilson.