AMERICAN IDOL this week

It was Country night on AMERICAN IDOL although, judging by the wardrobe the final 7 selected, it might as well have been Tony Orlando night. I’m not saying they all had to wear spurs but come on, Jews dress more country! Where were the Levi’s? The suspenders? The boots? Where were the fringe and rhinestones? At least on Ryan.

Martina McBride was the mentor. She looked fabulous, gave great advice, and the best moment of the show (maybe the season) was when she said “far klempt”.

I wasn’t familiar with some of the songs and they all sounded similar to me so I just assigned titles of actual country songs I know.

Phil Stacey got the evening going in fine style with “How Can I Kiss the Lips at Night that Chewed My Ass All Day Long”. I thought he was fantastic. Great voice, felt comfortable. But if ever anybody needed a cowboy hat! This week, in keeping with the country theme, Phil reminded me of Bruce Dern in all those westerns playing the psychotic deranged son. A typical Bruce Dern line: “Can I kill her, daddy? Can I can I can I?”

I’m sorry Haley Scarnato was voted off. I can just see her as Daisy Mae.

Jordin Sparks gave the performance of the night singing “You Stuck My Heart In an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log”. I’ll go Simon one better and say she WILL be the next American Idol.

Shouldn’t SOMEBODY wear a cowboy hat? Or even a flannel shirt? None of these kids starred in OKLAHOMA in Jr. High??

Sanjaya looked like the guy with the squgee bottle and rag who approaches your car at a traffic light. Will somebody tell him that country night doesn’t mean “third world country” night? Yes, they wore red scarves in westerns, but it was the bandits who wore them over their mouths. And that’s EXACTLY what Sanjaya should have done because, as Simon correctly said, he was “utterly horrendous”. Sanjaya attempted to sing “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?” (which is what most of America is saying too) and reached a new low. Props to Simon for saying it was funny for a few weeks but it’s time to get rid of this weasel already.

The little spat between Simon and Ryan over Simon’s harsh criticism felt real. And thus FUN. That’s what people want to see in a live show – unexpected moments… and Haley’s legs.

By the way, the audience is instructed to loudly boo when Simon criticizes a singer.

LaKisha Jones was clearly out of her element singing the Carrie Underwood hit, “Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through the Goalposts Of Life”. Usually the question is not 'will she give a good performance'? It’s 'will her tits fall out of that dress'? The answer to both questions was no.

Randy’s catchphrase this week was “So check it out.” Save money. Just put a parrot on Simon’s shoulder. In fact, save more money. Replace Paula with a goldfish.

Chris Richardson was boring even though he did the classic, “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him”. He was obviously pissed at Simon for saying he was nasal. He defended singing through your nose as a deliberate style. Just as bleeding out of your eye is a definite emotional choice.

The Virginia Tech tragedy needed to be acknowledged and was. But I question Chris bringing it up just when Ryan was announcing the number to vote for him. One might, possibly, maybe, perhaps get the impression he was using that to get votes. He wasn’t I’m sure. But one could somehow, if he wanted to, through some wild stretch of the imagination, get that impression.

Melinda Doolittle did a lot with “If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will.” Simon was right. Time to drop the “aw shucks” routine. Vegas and now Branson calls!

Blake Lewis chose the “preppy cowboy” look. I’m trying to recall if John Wayne ever wore an argyle sweater. Oh yeah. In STAGECOACH. Sorry.

Blake sang “She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night He Was Honor and Offer.” The judges obviously didn’t see the same performance I did. They thought he was good. I thought he was awful. Clunker notes, a total disconnect with the genre. And a number of women I know claim he has “dead eyes”. I have to agree. There’s something a little off-putting about the guy that even the fourteen tattoos don’t compensate for.

My pick for the bottom two this week: Sanjaya (he was so bad even his sister is having trouble picking up that phone) and Chris. Or maybe, just maybe, LaKisha.

And if LaKisha should get voted off, since the results show is now an hour, she’ll have time to beat the living shit out of Sanjaya on live television and still be able to do her final number. Boy, will she be far klempted!